Friday, November 26

I Give Thee Thanks

… For life itself. I close my eyes, trying to imagine where else I can, who eIse I can, what else I can possibly be. And all I can see is a blank, black space. Essentially nothing. I open my eyes and … sensory overload! Colors, shapes, texture, life! Life is definitely where and alive is what I would rather be.

… For my life. Mine is not a perfect life. It’s not the best life. But it is mine. And, looking around, it is better compared to some. Thus, I am not complaining.

… For me. I am not the perfect or the best person. I’m rather an average person. But I don’t think I’m the worst person either. For this, I am very grateful.

… For my family. My family’s not perfect either. Neither is it the best. We’ve had our fair share of drama. But through everything, with genuine concern and real love for each other, we've stayed a family. And that love, that’s the kind of love that runs through my veins.

… For my friends. Of which I’ve both good and bad. Whichever they may be, they helped mold me into who I am now.

… For love. I may have lost some. Tragically. But I believe that, “It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.” I realize that some go thru life without knowing what true love is. At least I have. Twice.

… For tomorrows that come. For tomorrow is another day, another chance. Tomorrow is hope.

Sunday, November 21

Losing The Right To Complain

People say that I am a patient person; in fact too patient at times, they say. People also say that I am a good listener; that’s why people and problems flock to me, I’m told.

But this weekend, I was neither of these. My friend stayed over the weekend. And what she had to say (not the first, second nor third time for me to hear) triggered a tirade from me. Why? Here’s why.

Your husband cheats on you. Painful. I get it. I got cheated on as well. Twice. So, I get it. Question is, what do you do next?

First time she told me about it, she sounded like she wanted to fight for him. She wanted him back. Fine. So, I supported that. I can understand. They married right out of college, had a baby, immediately migrated to and started a life from scratch in the US, had another kid (a special one) and stayed married for the next 23 years.

But I told her: “You’ve got to drop it. No more mention of the cheating. Forgive and forget. You can’t keep bringing it up.”

She agreed.

Two months later, she called again and ended spending the night over. Turned out, she caught her husband again. With the same woman. I tell you, I’ve never seen such a woman scorned in real life. She talked my ears off till 3 am! The following day, we parted ways with a list of her “things to do” to get her domestic affairs in order.

Several phone calls later, she’s back at my place with the same rants. Then I asked her: “Where are we on the list of ‘things to do’”?

The answer I got: “One.”

All these months, she had done only one item on a list of 12. She’s still working on the 11 others. She’s still “analyzing and planning” how. In the meantime, she allowed her husband to move back in. She’s still scheming. And ranting! Over the same things! We are where we first started. We are going in circles!

And she had the gall to tell me: “You don’t understand. You’re not married and you don’t have kids.”

I wanted so much to blurt out: “Then why are you coming to me? Why don’t you go talk to someone who’s married and has kids?! Go waste somebody else’s time!” Thank God I was able to hold these thoughts in. 

What I did tell her is:  "Look. We've swung from one end of the pendulum to the other.  You wanted to work it out and I supported you.  You wanted to leave him and I supported you.  I feel frustrated because we're neither here nor there.  You've barely made a move and yet here you are complaing about your husband!  What about you?  What are you doing to make things better; if not for the two of you as couple, at least for yourself?"

Geeeez! All these months, all those talks, all those rants! I can only be patient and help so much! The rest must come from the actual person herself. It’s not very motivating to help someone who will not help one’s self. I don’t think anyone who chooses to find reasons – no, excuses – and remain in a miserable situation has the right to continue complaining.

I may be wrong and judgmental, but I believe that one loses the right to complain when one chooses to stay miserable when there is a reasonable opportunity to make things better and be happy.

Friday, November 12

What Goes On In Their Minds

I had my annual physical exam close to 2 months ago. I was given a referral and prescription by my primary doctor to go see a specialist and undergo 2 MRI-like exams. You see, they felt a lump. Not the first time. A “cyst” they called it.

So off I scheduled and went for the “MRIs”. Since I chose the “first thing in the morning” schedule, I finished both in no time. Thought I'd get off early, but that didn’t happen. A nurse came up to me and said, “Sorry we took so long. But, the doctor wants you to get a biopsy. We called your primary physician and she agreed that it’s the best thing to do.”

After having everything explained to me, I signed off on the consent forms and went thru the procedure. For the biopsy, I had to go through 3 steps.

photo @ ADAM*
Fine needle aspiration. Using a needle and syringe, fluid was drained from the cyst.

Core needle biopsy. A bigger needle was used. But instead of a syringe, a stapler look-a-like and sound-a-like was connected to the needle. This is suppose to get a sample of the tissues surrounding the cyst. Three thrusts (remember it looked and sounded like a stapler) they did.

Clip. This is the cool part, they left a “clip” at the spot where they did the biopsy. The “clip” is the size of a grain of rice and made of titanium. It’s suppose to mark where the biopsy was done should future examinations and treatment be needed. And the first thing they said about the clip was that it will not set off any airport alarms. Nice!

Now, during the 15-minute procedure (I tell you, the pep and prep talks took longer!), aside from straining my neck so that I can watch the procedure from the monitor, the only other thing that went thru my mind was this:

“What goes on in the doctors’ and nurses’ minds when, during the procedure itself, their guts tell them that the cyst is cancerous. Same with the pathologists, who are at attention and at standby during the procedure, waiting for the fluid drained from the cyst and then heading straight to the lab to culture the fluid for cancer cells.”
Do they feel, while waiting for the results, as nervous, anxious, apprehensive, etc. as their patients? Do they feel as sad and devastated as their patients when the lab results scream, “Oh yes, it is cancer!”

I wonder …..

* photo@ADAM

Monday, November 8

Today Is The Day – No More!

Today, I made THE decision. No more being a nice person. No more being civil. No more feeling sorry. That is, to the EX.

She may have her reasons for acting the way she had and is, now I have mine. The irony of it all is that she was the one who showed me the way out. For, after all the rationalizing in my post, it all came down to this.

CONTEXT: The last two episodes of Brothers & Sisters “softened” me, prompting me to initiate a BBM to the EX.
ME:  Have you ever taken scuba diving lessons before?
EX:  Yes intro lesson. Why?
ME: Do you want to get certified?
EX:  No, because scuba diving hurts my ear. There's something wrong with my middle ear. Go ahead and have yourself certified. Exciting!
ME:  Need to think about this. I don’t want to start something that I’m not going to see through and make use of. G’nyt, EX.
EX:  You are too strict with yourself. You have too many rules for yourself. If you want to do it, just go and do it. Do not rationalize too much. You are allowed to change your mind. It’s your life and your time!  :-)
Needless to say, this didn’t hit me well. I asked a simple question and I get this sermon. And, as always, the EX failed to see the “gesture” in my question. Then the thought crossed my mind. I wanted to BBM her:  "Are you using this argument to justify your cheating on me? All of a sudden, I am the one with a lot of rules for myself? Geeez, who between the two of us has so many 'NOs … no to this, no to that'." I wanted to blurt out, but managed to control myself and manage my answer. 
ME:  Wow, what a passionate answer. At least you're right about one thing.  It's not about rules. It's about wanting to do it or not. Actually, I don't. I just thought of asking you if you want to do it. And if you did, I was thinking it might be a fun thing to do together. Sorry I asked.
EX:  Hahaha, why are you saying sorry? And why are you still awake?
Another raised eyebrow. Hello?!!! I was being sarcastic when I said “sorry”! Sigh ... exasperation, exasperation.  Still, I tried to stay as calm and composed, yet wanting to leave a sting.
ME:  Woke up. Had to answer a call. Now, that speech of yours on rules, rationalizing, changing one’s mind, etc, etc, are you convincing me or yourself?  :-/  My unsolicited thoughts on the matter - there are matters that are meant to be just black or white. Mess with them and things will turn a deceiving gray. Hehehe. Before you were a grasshopper. Then a bird. Now, seems like you're a chameleon. You become the crowd you are with. When will you be you? Or is this really you now? Let me know so I can change my mind about letting you in my life. Hehehe.
EX:  Hey, where did that come from?
And this is where I said to myself, “No more.”

As she said, “You are allowed to change your mind. It’s your life and your time!” And that’s what I am going to do!

I’m changing my mind. I do not care if she thinks I'm inconsiderate of her circumstances. I do not care if she thinks I’ve given up on her. I do not care if she thinks less of me. After all, did she care about what I would think or how I would feel if I caught her lying and cheating? Did she care about how I would feel when I asked her to let go and she didn’t?

This is not the same person I fell in love with. The person I fell in love was tough on the outside, but soft on the inside. The person I fell in love with had a heart. I hardly know this person now. She’s too carefree for comfort that I got inspired to coin another SAMism: Knowing that you are marrying a whore is different from finding out that you are married to one.

I'm tired.  It’s all about her. What she wants, when she wants, how she wants things. Funny thing is, she knows how she is. But she refuses to grow up. She lures fans and drops them. She charms her way to having people accept the spoiled brat that she is and gets mad when people don’t. She writes people off when people she feels close to forget her significant life events and yet she doesn’t return the gesture. She gushes over people who kiss ass, but takes for granted the people who truly care for her.

No more. I am changing my mind. Life is short. I don’t have time to waste on a person who doesn’t want to grow up. There are more persons deserving of me. More importantly, I am deserving of better persons.  It is my life, my time.

There!  Got that off my chest.  Now, I hope I don't put my feet where my mouth is ...

Saturday, November 6

Things On My Mind

I did my annual benefits enrolment today. And part of that is a health assessment. Guess what? The assessment says that I am moderately to highly depressed! Now that’s depressing!

So, I spent the better part of the day thinking what things are making me depressed:

TV.  All the TV shows I follow had tearjerker episodes this week! My goodness, they all made me cry! And it all started with last Sunday’s Brothers & Sisters episode.

COFFEE SHOP FORUM.  Have you ever wondered what will become of the youth and what their world will be like in the future? Go visit Blogger's Coffee Shop Forum.

TIME.  There are so many things I want to do, but there is so little time … and money!

WORK.  I’ve fallen out of love with work. Historically, I’ve managed to stay in relationship with my work for an average of 3 years. After 3 years, I tend to get bored and in need of something new to do. Mid next year is my 3rd year in my current role. This early, I am raring to change roles. Why am I falling short of my average? I’m not feeling the leadership. Take note. I am not referring to individuals or personalities here. I am referring to, well, leadership – the people who are supposed to serve as models, to guide, to empower, to motivate, to inspire. It is obvious. My leadership are unhappy too with their own leadership, thus the lack of passion in their work and in the team.

Make no mistake about it though. I am very grateful that I have a job at all. Thus, I know that I owe my job my best. And this I do. It takes twice or even triple the effort though given the blandness I am feeling for it right now.

On the other hand, it’s also a challenge carrying the fear that, tomorrow, even your bland job is gone.

UPCOMING VACATION.  Can’t wait for it, but at the same time I’m dead scared of it. You see, I agreed to spend a weekend with my EX. Why did I agree to? It’s because I am hoping to get answers then. And the answers can go either way. It can mean the end of a long-winded chapter or the beginning of a sweet, new one. I don’t know what to expect and the anticipation is killing me ...

Or maybe, it’s just that period in life when hormones are all crazy and going off-tangent? Now I understand why plates suddenly started flying and breaking into pieces when my mom was in her 50s. LOL!