Am I such a bad person to feel and think this way?
C’mon. I’ve been as patient, giving, and self-sacrificing as I possibly can. And even when I think I’m not, other people tell me I am. And I am sincerely happy to help. Yes, helping makes me happy. And proud. It gives me a sense of self worth.
But I am human. I am not a robot. I am not a god. At some point in time, I will be in need of help. And every time I did in the past, like today, the people I needed help from – the people whom I have helped (numerous times) in the past – were just not there.
And this made me mad. Very mad. Mad enough to not want to be around them, today nor in the very near future. Mad enough to be selfish, to lie and and not to share supplies they were running out of.
I need to shake this angry, vindictive feeling off. Not so much for them, as for myself. I don’t want to be like them.
To each his/her due. And whatever is "due" a person, that’s Somebody else’s decision to make, not mine.
What is "character"? Look it up and you'll find varying definitions. I coined my own: Character is being able to act nobly -- instinctively, consistently (if not always) -- under duress.
I've prided myself thinking that I am ahead of the game. That, despite my inherent orientation and emotional weaknesses, I've consciously worked at overcoming weaknesses and becoming the best person I can possibly be. In fact, I believe that becoming the "best person", becoming Christlike, is man's purpose in life. For it is in this journey that we are able to do good to ourselves, others, the world.
But, as I said, it is a journey. Just when I thought I got to my destination, I find out that I've not. I squealed on somebody today. Told an additional 2 persons of this man's poor leadership and people skills. Of how he sold me out to save his ass. And I did so believing that he had sold me out again. Turned out he didn't (I think) this second time around. And I did.
Now, I feel miserable and remorseful. Now, I "owe" this sorry, pathetic guy.
A good friend of mine, my age, married for the last 23 years or so, with two kids (one in post graduate studies, the other about to go to college), called me one work night and threw me a bomb: "My husband is having an affair!"
Come the weekend, a co-worker sent me an email: "My husband slept with the nanny!"
Having been on the receiving end of such scenarios, I got really caught up in my girl friends' plights. And once again, I was thrown into a conundrum of lies, anger, pain.
Why do people in relationships have affairs? How can people be "intimate" with more than one person at the same time? Can someone really be "in love" with more than one person? How can one even think of hurting someone he/she loves?
I do not have the answers. All I know is that, these things do happen, rightly or wrongly. And that, knowing the pain and brokenness these can cause, I can only pray that I do not get to be on the giving end and be the other woman. Why? It's like having all guns pointed right at you. You're faced with bearing everyone's pain -- the wife's/girlfriend's, the kids' (if any), your lover's (if love is real), and yours. Now, why would anyone want that?
I mean, really. Think about it.
Had a business lunch yesterday with a client. From out of the blue she asked these questions:
- (as soon as she sits and settles down) "How's your boyfriend," my answer to which I don't remember. Honestly! She threw me off guard!
- (in the middle of the agenda) "What's this? What's happening to the world? How come everybody is turning gay or lesbian?"
To which I choked a reply, "Why?" And she tells me the tale of a close friend who, in my client's words, "aggressively and explicitly expressed desire for me". Just then, my fork fell on the table; nearly shattering my plate to pieces.
So, tell me. Was I sending out I-am-that-way or I-like-you-signals (mind you, she's not my type)? Or does she like me?
