Losing The Right To Complain

People say that I am a patient person; in fact too patient at times, they say. People also say that I am a good listener; that’s why people and problems flock to me, I’m told.

But this weekend, I was neither of these. My friend stayed over the weekend. And what she had to say (not the first, second nor third time for me to hear) triggered a tirade from me. Why? Here’s why.

Your husband cheats on you. Painful. I get it. I got cheated on as well. Twice. So, I get it. Question is, what do you do next?

First time she told me about it, she sounded like she wanted to fight for him. She wanted him back. Fine. So, I supported that. I can understand. They married right out of college, had a baby, immediately migrated to and started a life from scratch in the US, had another kid (a special one) and stayed married for the next 23 years.

But I told her: “You’ve got to drop it. No more mention of the cheating. Forgive and forget. You can’t keep bringing it up.”

She agreed.

Two months later, she called again and ended spending the night over. Turned out, she caught her husband again. With the same woman. I tell you, I’ve never seen such a woman scorned in real life. She talked my ears off till 3 am! The following day, we parted ways with a list of her “things to do” to get her domestic affairs in order.

Several phone calls later, she’s back at my place with the same rants. Then I asked her: “Where are we on the list of ‘things to do’”?

The answer I got: “One.”

All these months, she had done only one item on a list of 12. She’s still working on the 11 others. She’s still “analyzing and planning” how. In the meantime, she allowed her husband to move back in. She’s still scheming. And ranting! Over the same things! We are where we first started. We are going in circles!

And she had the gall to tell me: “You don’t understand. You’re not married and you don’t have kids.”

I wanted so much to blurt out: “Then why are you coming to me? Why don’t you go talk to someone who’s married and has kids?! Go waste somebody else’s time!” Thank God I was able to hold these thoughts in. 

What I did tell her is:  "Look. We've swung from one end of the pendulum to the other.  You wanted to work it out and I supported you.  You wanted to leave him and I supported you.  I feel frustrated because we're neither here nor there.  You've barely made a move and yet here you are complaing about your husband!  What about you?  What are you doing to make things better; if not for the two of you as couple, at least for yourself?"

Geeeez! All these months, all those talks, all those rants! I can only be patient and help so much! The rest must come from the actual person herself. It’s not very motivating to help someone who will not help one’s self. I don’t think anyone who chooses to find reasons – no, excuses – and remain in a miserable situation has the right to continue complaining.

I may be wrong and judgmental, but I believe that one loses the right to complain when one chooses to stay miserable when there is a reasonable opportunity to make things better and be happy.