How To Handle A Woman

Once upon a time, I watched a TV movie on the life of John F. Kennedy.  At the end of the film, Jackie Kennedy was shown being interviewed about her husband’s death. And from her lips came the words, “… his dream was to have a kingdom like Camelot.” Or something to that effect (I forget!).  All I can remember clearly is the music in the background, building to a crescendo as the camera panned away from Jackie K.

I made an instant association between the word Camelot and the background music. I researched and read that Camelot is the famous castle in the legend of King Arthur. I delightfully discovered too that King Arthur's legend was so popular that Broadway and movie musicals were made on it (need you ask what their titles were?).  I promptly bought a half gallon of ice cream and a Camelot laser disc (yikes! yes those were the days … LOL!).

Ice cream in hand, I watched the movie without interruption.  I had the chills and goose bumps when the Camelot theme song was played at the end of the movie ...

And I don’t know how they would come across to you, but I wasn’t particularly feeling Sir Lancelot and Queen Guinevere.  I was all-oh-so-for King Arthur, especially when he sang "How to Handle a Woman" ...

"How to handle a woman?

There's a way," said the wise old man,

"A way known by ev'ry woman

Since the whole rigmarole began."

"Do I flatter her?" I begged him answer.

"Do I threaten or cajole or plead?

Do I brood or play the gay romancer?"

Said he, smiling: "No indeed.

How to handle a woman?

Mark me well, I will tell you, sir:

The way to handle a woman

Is to love her...simply love her...

Merely love her...love her...love her."

.... before the heartwrenching monologue* (would you believe a Richard Harris version of the monologue is not available online?! sorry):

Proposition: If I could choose from every woman who breathes on this earth; the face I would most love -- the smile, the touch, the heart, the voice, the laugh, the very soul itself, every detail and feature to the last strand of the hair--it would all be Jenny's.

(in a darker mood now)

Proposition: If I could choose from every man who breathes on this earth -- a man for my brother, a man for my son, and a man for my friend (anguished) it would all be Lance!

I love them -- I love them and they answer me with pain! And torment! Be it sin, or not sin: they have betrayed me in their HEARTS, and that's far sin enough! I can see it in their eyes! I can feel it when they speak! And they must pay for it and be punished! I shall NOT be wounded and not return it in kind! I DEMAND A MAN'S VENGEANCE!

(raises his sword, Excalibur, in a battle-ready stance) (He suddenly changes gears)

Proposition: I am a king -- not a "man." And a very civilized king. Could it possibly be civilized to destroy the thing I love? Could it possibly be civilized to love myself above all? What about their pain? And their torment? Did they ask for this calamity? Can passion be selected? Is there any doubt of their devotion to me, and to our Table?

(smiles)

By God! I shall be a king! This is the time of King Arthur, when we shall reach for the stars! This is the time of King Arthur, when violence is NOT strength, and compassion is NOT weakness! WE ARE CIVILIZED!

It was as if King Arthur's pain was mine.  I simply cried my eyes out.  And mind you, this was way before I ever had my heart broken.  I guess I am just too much of a hopeless romantic.  Sigh!

*from MusicalTheatreAudition.com