What Is Wrong With Me?

I started blogging this July because I felt the need to put things into perspective. I’ve been thrown a lot of curved balls, but I’ve managed to stay happy and carefree. Sometimes, it was all genuine. At other times, it was all a façade. Happy and carefree on the outside, torn and hemorrhaging inside. Keeping everything inside is not a healthy thing to do though.

So, when I recently felt anger building up inside of me and reading, exercising, and social networking lost their therapeutic magic, I turned to blogging. I started writing a blog. And, as a result of the following BBMs, I started searching for and reading blogs:

EX: Hey, how are you? Still mad at the world?

ME: I really have a hard time recovering when I feel let down. It takes a while, especially when there is so much negativity in the office. I am hoping that this long weekend will cool me down and restore my faith and fervor in people.

EX: How did people let you down? What’s going on at work? Why is there so much negativity?

ME: It’s hard to explain the negative. It is much easier for me to say what it is I am looking for. I am looking for positive and dependable people around me. People who bring others up, not down. People who bring out the best, not the worst from others. People who are black and white, not grey. People who walk the talk and genuinely care, not people who are show and tell. I need people who can deposit, not just withdraw good from me. I can’t deal with pigs, rats, snakes, and leeches anymore. I am all sucked out, all withdrawn from already. I am mentally and emotionally bankcrupt. I’ve nothing more to give.

EX: Uh-oh. That bad, huh? Call you this weekend?

ME: I won’t be here this weekend. I will be going out of town with friends, sorry.

EX: Oh, ok. You take care. Don’t think too much. It might trigger your migraine and hypertension. Try to quickly go back to your happy and carefree ways.

I didn’t spend the weekend out of town with friends, I spent the weekend alone – productively, peacefully, happily. Chores and errands in the morning, blogging at night. I came across blogs that gave me the answer. Or, to be more precise, blogs that made me admit what is wrong: after almost 2 years, I am still seething mad at my EX.

Why? I’ve avoided thinking about why. I’ve avoided writing why. Maybe I should. After all, that’s why I started blogging - to write and, consequently, put things in perspective. So write about it in coming days I will.


COMMENTS

torchic44 said...
I was going to ask "why are you mad at your Ex?" but I guess that answer will come in soon enough. Blogging is just writing. Using to vent and get out all of the stuff that is troubling you. All of that perspective and perhaps it could be some type of relief or even closure.
September 6, 2010 10:56 PM

 SAM said...
:-D Yes, the answer will come. In installments I'm afraid though. It's a long, "complicated" story. Something that I've not really thought through. Or should I say, something that I didn't want to think through. Also, finally found your blog :-) Have a great week!
September 7, 2010 9:19 AM