Tuesday, September 14

The Icing On The Cake

Since 2009, half a year after we broke up, my EX had been on a hunt for an apartment near my place. I am not sure for what reason though. I can think of 3: (1) her experiment with her condo renovation friend didn’t work out, and even if it did and is currently at a state she wants it to be, she (2) didn’t want her green card go to waste and she can’t think of anyone else here in the US who can be her support group; lastly (3) she genuinely wants to be with me.

How I wish there was only one reason to think of though and that is, she genuinely wants to be with me. The idea of her finally joining me in the U.S. should thrill me. But the spectre of the other two reasons ruins it all for me. The spectre brings up images – all frightening and disappointing -- of what could be:

• The possibility that she may not join me in the U.S. at all. She has changed her mind so many times before, what makes this time different?

• If she does go through with her plan of joining me in the U.S., can her condo renovation friend be far behind? Be it this or simply just to comply with her green card requirements, is she merely “using” me?

I know. I should just be thankful for the time given me to spend with her, right? After all, that is what true love is about, right?

"Love is patient, love is kind,
Love does not insist on its own way,
Love bears all things, believes all things,
Hopes all things, endures all things,
Love never fails.

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast.
It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong doing.
It does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.
It always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres."

--1 Corinthians 13

Well, this is the ideal. This is what religion, school, and family (my Papa especially) taught me as the good and right thing to do. And my rational mind agrees. No arguments against this.

But my weak human nature is rebelling. Blame it on media, real life experiences, or even my zodiac signs, but deep inside I am shouting: This is not fair and I should not allow myself to be used and abused and hurt this way! This is where my seething anger is coming from! It may be that this anger has been lying dormant in me for years, waiting for its time to explode. And now that it has, like hot molten lava, it is devouring anything and any one in its way.

Fast forward.

My EX successfully closed on an apartment 5 miles away from me. I could have ignored, denied this anger by running away and by having my EX completely out of my life. But with her here to stay, if even only for a short time, I am left to face and deal with my anger – which makes me angrier, actually. But after all that has been said and done, I need to think of my next moves. Moves that will make me come out the winner, the better person from this bitter experience.

I choose to do the good and right thing. I will help and support her move to the U.S. regardless of her motives. And I will do so not because she’s my EX or because she deserves it, but because I have a big, generous enough heart to help. Anger is not my nature. Love is. And, for as long as I stay clear and focused on my own nature and motives, and not that of my EX’s, I should see anger subside inside of me.

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