Sunday, December 25

My Christmas Wish for 2012

It’s been 7 months since my last entry. The first thing I did? I checked on the blogs I’ve been following. Seems like I’m not the only one who’s been MIA --missing in action. I don’t know what their reason is for not blogging as much. I only know mine. Time. So many things to do, so little time. I’ve never been so physically tired!

1. The recession finally “hit home”. Our company had another round of layoffs and, this time, our department wasn’t spared. My position was cut. But thank God that I was given another position. I still had a job and I was so thankful!

Nine months into the new job and I am still thankful – very thankful. And also, very challenged. I have yet to learn to love the job. And my new boss. I know. I don’t have to love the job. Or my boss. It’s the ideal, but it’s not always the case. True. Loving one’s job makes working a whole lot easier. But what happens when we don’t – we don’t love our jobs or our bosses. Well, we do the best we can. We learn to deal with them. It makes working twice, thrice as hard. But we do what we need to do. Especially if lives, other than our own, depend on it.

2. Family and friends from out of country visited and stayed with me for a couple of days. I dealt with my job and my boss during the work week, while I dealt with visitors during weekends.

3. And the most insane thing of all: my Ex resigned from her job and stayed with me for about 3 months. She floated her resume hoping to land a job here in the U.S. No luck.

4. I’m now spending the holidays with my mom. Our finances are not looking good. She’s sickly. And, she appears to have a “distorted” sense of how much money we have.

I’m worried.  I need more time so I can take on a second job. That or I need to win the lotto. God help me.

Monday, March 28

Is It?

It seems to me that there is a correlation between age and pride – false pride.  The older one gets, the greater the pride.

This first became apparent to me when I was in my adolescent years. I got into trouble for “pointing out” things to my elders. The “conversation” always ended with: “Going to a good school doesn’t mean you know more than your elders. That you are better than your elders. We have years of experience behind us. You’re just beginning your journey, while we’re on our way back. We deserve to be respected.”

Of course, such conversations provoked ill thoughts towards my elders. But such conversations also gave me the impression that, contrary to what they said, I am better than them. And, I am better than them because I am open-minded. I am open to mistakes, criticism and, thus, learning.

Now, the tables have turned. Now, I am the one on the defensive. I am the one feeling, “Who are you to tell me ….?” So, is it just part of the aging process? Is false pride part and parcel of growing old? Is it but natural?

Well, whether I am on the giving or receiving end of it, increasing false pride as one grows in years just doesn’t seem right. It feels like I am aging in reverse. Instead of pride, wisdom should accompany age.

Saturday, March 19

A Lesson In Humility

The company I work for has been restructuring – methodically – for the last 3 years. I knew that it was just a matter of time till the restructuring hits our group. And true enough, hit our group it did this week. It did not only hit our group. It hit me.

Tuesday, the VP’s secretary called me to say that I am needed at the office Thursday – the day that HR was supposed to talk to employees impacted by the restructuring. Instantly, it felt like ice cold water was doused over me; a fistful of crumpled paper crammed down my throat. Will I be ….? Can’t be! Please Lord, don’t let me be laid off …..

Fear. Anger. Regret. Insecurity. Embarrassment. Sadness. So much for positive thinking. Where did all the peace, contentment, and optimism that came with the coming of the new year go? Gone. Out the window. All of them.

Thursday. Did away with the sweater and jeans. Went to work in business attire. If I was going down, I swore that I’d go down in style. I walked into the VP’s office not knowing whether I had the usual smile on my face or not. I felt blank. Saw blank. Heard blank. Until, “I have a position that I believe is a perfect fit for you.” Am I being promoted? I was about to jump from my feet and give the VP a hug when the next thing I heard was, “Your position has been eliminated.”

Ok. I’m snapping back into the moment. My position has been eliminated, but they are offering me a new position. Same compensation and incentive package, but it is a job level lower.

A conference call later, I find out that the position isn’t entirely eliminated. The position is still there. Only I was eliminated. My colleague, already a decade or two with the company and a decade in the position, is staying. Turns out (I will know for sure in the next couple of weeks), the directive is to have only one person in this position per region. No more duplication of roles. Instead, a new position in a new group has been created. Thing is, this new position/group will be reporting to a different head and their coverage will not just be our region, but the whole of US.

I am thankful, very thankful, that I still have a job. So thankful that I still utter a prayer of thanks every chance I get. Also, I would like to believe that I still have a job because management values me. That I am “important”. And yet, why do I feel this pinch every time I remember that I got eliminated and my more senior colleague was retained? Feelings of inadequacy? Of competitiveness? Of second choice?

False pride. Lose it. Just be thankful. Think of how much more humbling being laid off would have been.  No, being laid off is one lesson in humility anyone would not want to have.

Tuesday, March 1

You Can't Handle The Truth!

Peeps, before you exhaust yourself getting a thief, a liar, a cheat to admit to the truth, think about the following: Do you really think your thief, liar, cheat will actually admit to the truth?
  • Better yet, will you actually believe what your offender says?
  • Does it really matter?  If you are willing and ready to forget, why do you need to know the truth?  What good will the truth do?
  • More importantly, can you handle the truth? You sure that the truth will set you free or get you into another frenzy?

What triggered the reflection?  Friend No. 3 just added to my list of friends having marriage woesAnd all three simultaneously have the itch -- no, the obsession -- of having their husbands admit to having affairs.  Sorry, but I just have to ask:  What’s with that?!

And what gives me the right to exclaim such?  Experience.  I went down that path before and it didn’t get me anywhere.  Correction.  It did lead me to some things.  More frustration.  More bitterness.  Separation.

I’m beginning to think that if couples want to stay together, sometimes the road less travelled -- not knowing the truth or not wanting to know the truth –- is the way to go.

Saturday, February 12

Do You Get These, Too?

Ok. Today I got unnerved. I received two invoices for a subscription I supposedly made and issues I supposedly received. The letter goes:

"A few months ago, you requested for a subscription for World Extra. We sent our magazine to you on good faith and understanding that you would honor the invoice and pay promptly.

We’ve kept our part of the bargain, but so far we have not received your payment. We’re concerned. Is there some problem we don’t know about? If so, we would appreciate it if you would let us know so that we can do our best to correct it.

Otherwise, I must ask that you pay the enclosed invoice immediately. If we do not receive payment within 15 days, we will turn your account over to our Credit and Collection Department. A reply envelope is enclosed for your convenience."

There also is this charitable organization for handicap people. They send cards and calendars asking for a donation in return. First year, I sent them a check. Then came more cards and calendars. Two more years, I sent donations. Mind you, not big ones. Then I said to myself, “no more”. Guess what followed? An invoice for the cards and calendars! These ones though did not come with a letter as “nice” as the one above, so I just ignored the invoices.

Geeez! Unbelievable!

Sunday, February 6

Not For The Lack Of

I think I have “writer’s block”. Or should I say something’s blocking, in the way of my writing.

Not that I don’t have anything to write about. I have. Lots. But, I’ve not found the time to sit down (like I do right now) and write. There’s always something else that needs to be taken cared of and done, now. Not later, but now. Unfortunately, blogging has been delegated to “later”. Blame the new year and the resolutions that normally come with it. I promised myself I will be more productive this year. That I will not procrastinate. That I will prioritize. First things first. There’s no putting off tomorrow what can and should be done today. It’s too early in the year for me to have earned playing hooky.

What were some of the things I thought of writing about?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.  Pray tell. Why do people re-name “landmarks”? For example, Triborough Bridge was renamed RFK Bridge, Craig Municipal Airport to Jacksonville Executive Airport, Ludium Elementary to Barack Obama Elementary School. I’m sure people have reasons for doing so – good, bad, reasonable, ludicrous. Personally, I find it iffy. A name is a name is name. If we really want to honor somebody, what can be more honorable than building something from nothing and offering to name it after the honoree?

What The?!   I’ve been wanting to whack myself on the head. Why? Because I find myself mulling at night: “This can’t be right. Why am I feeling so ok? Why are things going so right? When will the bubble burst?” What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy for myself. Why not just enjoy the moment? Why even think about it? Geez. I’m such a killjoy! Hihihihihi.

Sleep.   In keeping with my resolve to be more productive, I said to myself that I won’t oversleep this year. I’ve secretly admired people who can live off 6 hours of sleep a day, like my mom and brother. They sleep late and wake up early, not be groggy and be lively and productive day in and day out. Me, waking up is such a struggle that I feel tired by the time I am able to get myself out of bed! LOL

Retirement.   For some reason, I started the year financially-inclined. Last hour before my flight back to the U.S., I met with a local trader and left him with some money and stocks to trade. As soon as I arrived here, I looked at my company’s 401K and my personal Roth IRA reports and decided to increase my AutoSave. Hmmm. I need to be saving more. Or is it, “I should be earning more.” Got to work on that, too!

See, there’s a lot on mind. But a whole lot more to do. That’s why blogging has taken the backseat, for now. Wait till school closes in April though. I should be writing more often then. Till then, you all take care.

Tuesday, January 11

New Year, New Life

Eleven days into 2011, life has been pink and rosy.  Nothing has really changed.  My Ex and I have not reconciled nor have we reached a closure.  I’m still with the same company, still doing the same job, and still with the same bosses.  And yet, I feel light.   Things feel different.  Since my situation has not changed, could it be that I am the one changed?  How did that happen?  The vacation?  The new year?
For some reason, I always get a psychological lift at the turn of the year.  I get a certain kind of high.  For me, “new year” IS “new life”.  As they say:  out with the old, in with the new.  I leave the bad and the ugly behind and look forward to doing better in the coming year. 
Yep, I’m feeling really good right now.  And I wish everyone the same.  Not just for now, but for the rest of the year.  Here’s to a great 2011, everyone!