Monday, November 8

Today Is The Day – No More!

Today, I made THE decision. No more being a nice person. No more being civil. No more feeling sorry. That is, to the EX.

She may have her reasons for acting the way she had and is, now I have mine. The irony of it all is that she was the one who showed me the way out. For, after all the rationalizing in my post, it all came down to this.

CONTEXT: The last two episodes of Brothers & Sisters “softened” me, prompting me to initiate a BBM to the EX.
ME:  Have you ever taken scuba diving lessons before?
EX:  Yes intro lesson. Why?
ME: Do you want to get certified?
EX:  No, because scuba diving hurts my ear. There's something wrong with my middle ear. Go ahead and have yourself certified. Exciting!
ME:  Need to think about this. I don’t want to start something that I’m not going to see through and make use of. G’nyt, EX.
EX:  You are too strict with yourself. You have too many rules for yourself. If you want to do it, just go and do it. Do not rationalize too much. You are allowed to change your mind. It’s your life and your time!  :-)
Needless to say, this didn’t hit me well. I asked a simple question and I get this sermon. And, as always, the EX failed to see the “gesture” in my question. Then the thought crossed my mind. I wanted to BBM her:  "Are you using this argument to justify your cheating on me? All of a sudden, I am the one with a lot of rules for myself? Geeez, who between the two of us has so many 'NOs … no to this, no to that'." I wanted to blurt out, but managed to control myself and manage my answer. 
ME:  Wow, what a passionate answer. At least you're right about one thing.  It's not about rules. It's about wanting to do it or not. Actually, I don't. I just thought of asking you if you want to do it. And if you did, I was thinking it might be a fun thing to do together. Sorry I asked.
EX:  Hahaha, why are you saying sorry? And why are you still awake?
Another raised eyebrow. Hello?!!! I was being sarcastic when I said “sorry”! Sigh ... exasperation, exasperation.  Still, I tried to stay as calm and composed, yet wanting to leave a sting.
ME:  Woke up. Had to answer a call. Now, that speech of yours on rules, rationalizing, changing one’s mind, etc, etc, are you convincing me or yourself?  :-/  My unsolicited thoughts on the matter - there are matters that are meant to be just black or white. Mess with them and things will turn a deceiving gray. Hehehe. Before you were a grasshopper. Then a bird. Now, seems like you're a chameleon. You become the crowd you are with. When will you be you? Or is this really you now? Let me know so I can change my mind about letting you in my life. Hehehe.
EX:  Hey, where did that come from?
And this is where I said to myself, “No more.”

As she said, “You are allowed to change your mind. It’s your life and your time!” And that’s what I am going to do!

I’m changing my mind. I do not care if she thinks I'm inconsiderate of her circumstances. I do not care if she thinks I’ve given up on her. I do not care if she thinks less of me. After all, did she care about what I would think or how I would feel if I caught her lying and cheating? Did she care about how I would feel when I asked her to let go and she didn’t?

This is not the same person I fell in love with. The person I fell in love was tough on the outside, but soft on the inside. The person I fell in love with had a heart. I hardly know this person now. She’s too carefree for comfort that I got inspired to coin another SAMism: Knowing that you are marrying a whore is different from finding out that you are married to one.

I'm tired.  It’s all about her. What she wants, when she wants, how she wants things. Funny thing is, she knows how she is. But she refuses to grow up. She lures fans and drops them. She charms her way to having people accept the spoiled brat that she is and gets mad when people don’t. She writes people off when people she feels close to forget her significant life events and yet she doesn’t return the gesture. She gushes over people who kiss ass, but takes for granted the people who truly care for her.

No more. I am changing my mind. Life is short. I don’t have time to waste on a person who doesn’t want to grow up. There are more persons deserving of me. More importantly, I am deserving of better persons.  It is my life, my time.

There!  Got that off my chest.  Now, I hope I don't put my feet where my mouth is ...


kendra30752 said...

Hay Sam. How are things with you? I read your post here and it sounds like you've really been through a tough time. :( So sorry for that. Its good that you were able to get it out and say what's on your mind. I'm not completely aware of your situation, but I wish you the very, very best with it and everything else. :)

I hope it gets better. :)

Better Man said...

I am very proud of you SAM for taking a stand with your ex. It is cruel when others mess with your heart. Love is should be fun, warm, safe, kind, just to name a few. You will become stronger from this, but never let this relationship you had turn you off a future one. There is someone out there for you.

SAM said...

Thanks, Betterman! No worries. I may not believe in a person as the object of my love, but I've always in believed in love! Cheers!