Have you ...
... ever been in a love-hate relationship with someone who is a fixture in your life?
... ever "hated" the person enough that you knew growing up what you DO NOT want to be?
... ever "hated" the person enough that you started rebelling inside and out, and started becoming cold and withdrawn?
"Hate" is such a strong word, but I can not think of any other word which best describes that strong feeling of utter disgust. Yes, I had this repulsive feeling in me while growing up.
And did you ever ...
... just literally wake up one day and find this "hate" feeling gone and in its place instead is the feeling of warmth, tenderness, and protectiveness; of love and gratitude, because you realize that the person you "hated" is but a product of so much anger, hurt and pain? And that all the person really did was to love you fiercely, thinking that her way of caring will protect you from the people and the things that crushed and calloused her?
I have.
And as I lulled myself to sleep last, I couldn't help but cry. Why? Because this person, my Mama, in her old age is living alone!
She says she misses us all. But when she hears of all the crime and suffering in our country, she's only too glad that we have all left. She says that knowing we are in safer countries with far better opportunities makes the loneliness all worth it.
I know this sounds morose, but I fervently pray that she will not pass on alone. She deserves much, much more than that! She is the ultimate mother hen – always there for everyone, sheltering everyone under her wings, making everyone’s problems her own. I BEG, BEG to be there for her, with her when her time to rest comes.
3 comments:
Hate is a feeling that is not easy to get rid of. But anger can be very useful. The anger you have towards some people can protect you from getting hurt even more (well some of the time). I will give you a example of what happen to me. When I was 11 my brothers boyfriend sexually abused me. My brother did not believe me. I was broken, especially when my brother did not believe me. Ever since then, my brother and I have not got on. Long story short, my brother was not happy with what he got out of Dad's will and blamed me. My father has been dead over 3 years. The first 2 years I had great hate against my brother. One day though I thought that why am I stressing and having anger against my brother. More then likely he probably doesn't care.
It is not easy to get the anger out of your heart and I am not saying that you should forgive the person who has done bad towards you. Just ask yourself, are they even worth the thought? You may feel they do and that can be normal as well. Now maybe might be not the time to forgive or even try to forget what happen. Only you will know when that time is.
Your Mama sounds like a extraordinary women. I truely understand the way you feel. I never wanted my Dad to pass away only. I was there when my Dad passed away. If you can't get there for your Mama, as much as you can, let her know how much you love her. Keeping that thought of how much you love her in her mind she won't pass away alone, she pass away with thought that you love her so much.
I'm sorry I spoke about your Mama passing away. I hope that I didn't bring any sadness to you.
I am sorry to hear about your childhood experience and about the rift between you and your brother.
I share your thoughts on hate, anger, and forgiveness. I've seen how hate and anger can destroy; how forgiveness can make one feel whole. It takes a strong person to forgive. Clearly, you are one strong person as you are able to overlook the abuse and the rift. What you did is highly admirable. This should give you pride and confidence to face the future.
And, don't worry. You can not make me any more sad. For even sadness, we can make peace with. And yes, I am going to try harder to make Mama know that I love her.
Thanks, BM.
Thanks SAM for the great comments. :)
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